A private blog for my w-rants, writes and arts.

Saturday, December 02, 2017


It is 2089. The Nigerian government —as most other governments of the world — has become meme intolerant. It is treasonable felony punishable by death to parade memes through any possible medium.

In the beginning, twitter savages stage various riots and trends for weeks. The government, having an iron grip over all medium of communication soon trailed, found, and killed popular savages, and other social media savvy persons found guilty. In the ensuing confusion and anger, they say a fat, twitter famous relationship counsellor with thick, black beards is dragged from Lagos to Kwara by a horse, before finally being quartered in Ilorin, after losing all his beards — a symbol of dignity and resilience. That day, members of various beard gangs start another protest. The government at a briefing, declares ownership of beards illegal. It kills every beard bearing person until there are no more men with beards — except for a few government loyalists, and top administrators. You may own beards also, if you’ve about #30billon in your account. An impossible feat for most. 

Beards and memes have become commodities of great scarcities. Memes have become whispers along the corridors of fear. Beards? People still sneak memes from the 2000s about, but not a single strand of beard can go unnoticed. There are meme hacktivists. They unsettle government trackers, find memes trending in less meme-law-sensitive jurisdictions, and sell it to Nigerians who are willing to pay a meme’s worth.

Because the government kills hackers along with three relatives when caught, parents quiver in fear when their children sit behind electronic devices for long hours. A man in Kano reportedly hands his son Vaseline in order to masturbate in front of him. Better masturbation than Meme induced destruction.

A few countries still allow memes. But limited amount of memes. Also, the government does not allow clap backs on the internet. In a United Nations convention in 2050, Femi Akinwale, a Lord Chancellor of the Yoruba Demon Court of Ghouls (YDCG) is named United Nations Secretary General. His precedence as a man of fearlessness, with a record of 127 broken hearts in a calendar year, makes the 312 countries of the UN unanimously vote him as Secretary General. It is he who has prevented clap backs against all governments of the world. Eventually, you do not clap back against fellow citizens, unless you’re full member of the YDCG. A membership allowed only after making a staggering 50 heartbreak records in 8 months or less.

People live in fear of the government now. Christians are praying for the coming of Jesus, perhaps it would give them a last laugh – or something in between. Meme cops are everywhere. In the USA and other racism dominant countries, meme cops kill black men for looking funny. After all, the purpose of taking all memes away is to kill the joy of Internet users and make them focus on national development. In addition to making them use social media for its primary purposes; socialisation and education.

There is always a resistance to push forth a revolution whenever there is a dominant presence of oppression. The meme years are not devoid of these revolutionaries. In 2060, the Guy FawX movement starts with fans of Guy FawX, a one time Nobel laureate, who faces death from the USA government, over a meme freedom article against the Nigerian government. They honour him with a suicide note and a cup of coffee, when it is in fact a meme cop who hands over the cup to him and force him to take its content. Since his death, various factions have developed using the ‘Guy FawX’ nomenclature.
One of them is a scientific organisation that studies the history of the meme years and plans to go back in time to stop the beginning of the sad years, as revolutionaries call it. They fear that children in fifty years’ time will be made of sadness and gloom. If the last resistance fails, the end of happiness is imminent. They gather in the leader's 'research room' every fortnight. The group’s leader known only as X-man 001 is a Tyrion Lannister without beards. He sits in a circle of seven cloaked men and listens to one of them narrate their final discovery. “It begins in Nigeria after the 2019 elections”, he says. “The people out of fear and doubt ignore the Not Too Young To Run Act, and vote for an octogenarian as the nation’s ruler. His name is pronounced as ar-ti-cle, and he comes with a deputy. A fiercer woman with sugar for tongue.” One of the men in cloak coughs and another responds, “meme you.” “Since the end of the election, the President, an old and out of touch man has clamped down on Internet activities. He references a time when a twitter user disses him for supporting Arsenal FC and always ending as runner-up in elections. It is that one single act that motivates him to tear the internet down. They say two time American President, Trump, supports this position and the first victim of the American meme war was rapper, Eminem.” X-man beckons at the narrator to stop. He stands up and walks towards a machine in a corner of the research room. The thing looks like a refrigerator, but instead of a door, it has a hollow space. The X-man brings out a remote from his pocket and presses a few buttons. Above the hollow space, the machine displays a digital date currently set at 00:00:0000. When he is done pressing, the date is 01/12/2017.

He looks at his followers and remind them of their mission. “Our job is to warn them against the memeless years. Do your job well and the future will be reborn. We will be reborn too.” They walk into the portal.

***
It is 01/12/2017 in Nigeria. On Nigerian twitter, Yoruba Demon, Yomi, is trending, alongside silent discussions about Banky W’s BAAD experience in South Africa.
The emissaries open their twitter and first have their fill of memes, clapbacks and disses. It doesn’t take long for all eight men to be carried away by the abundance of memes that they forget their missions.

***
It is 2089. S2(1) of the Nigerian Constitution reads, “The usage, ownership, and display of memes is prohibited by the Nigerian government. Anyone caught in possession or circulation will be treated as having committed a treasonable felony, punishable by death under the various Nigerian criminal codes.” S2(2) Every other meme legislation is subject to the provisions of this section.”


Princely X

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